Today I got to see a wonderful friend. Although, it as only for a very short time it was time well spent. It is times like these that I realize how wonderful my friends really are. And how lonely I tend to get for the lack of them.
I don’t keep in touch as well as I would like. The only thing holding me back is me. That part of me that doesn’t seem to e able to pick up the phone and dial. Well, press a few keys, anyway. We haven’t dialed in decades.
Anyway, I am really glad to have seen her today. Actually, she and R. She is truly happy person. I have always envied her that. Not to say she has had it easy. She has had her bumps in the road, OCD, anxiety, and other issues. But, outwardly and I really think inwardly she doesn’t seem to be sad about the past, errors, kids growing up and leaving. Her emotional place is in the present and accepting. Accepting of the way things are. Not rejecting the way things are and wishing they were otherwise. She has a knack for moving through her life, tough times and all, with what I suppose can be called aplomb. A lot of my friends from home are like that. I think that is why I chose them as friends. I am not sure why they chose me back. But, I am glad they did. I am richer for them in my life. I try and fail regularly and miserably to emulate them.
At least, I try. It isn’t like they haven’t had sadness in their lives. They have. It is how they were either trained to overcome it or a natural, innate ability to move on as though what had happened really was in the past and not a tractor tire tied to a ragged, rope wrapped tightly around their necks pulling backward on them as they move forward.
I guess that is one way of expressing how depression makes me feel. I do everything I can to push through the depression. I try to keep myself busy. I try to adapt to my failing body parts and pieces. I do try. Everything is not like Yoda claims, “Do or do not. There is no try.” But, there is. If I do not try there is no “Do”. Hell, there isn’t even the “do not” without the try.
If wishes were work I’d be exhausted. Oh, wait a minute, I am exhausted. That damned tractor tire.