It’s funny really. Before the colonoscopy I printed out my self-written Will which, I signed. At the day-surgery center prior to going in I handed it to my Son. He was pissed that I would give this to him. I explained that he needed to know. I needed him to know. He was angry because, I think, in his mind it was as an indication that I expect the worst to happen and that may make it more likely to happen.
He was not entirely wrong. However, it seemed to make a lot more sense the next afternoon when he sat next to me in the Gastroenterologists office and heard the word “Cancer”.
Since then, I wrote up, signed, and had a witness sign my Advance Directive which I gave to him. He did not grouse this time.
I don’t think it is just about getting older. I have often posited on the problem of the humans being the first and only herd that has ended nearly all efforts of nature to cull this great herd of human beings over-populating our Earth.
People who should never have been born, saved, spared, treated, or prevented from dying are being kept alive. I worry that in fifty short years we have become so sanitized in our thoughts of real life that death is an unacceptable outcome. At all costs. I accept I am saying this as a person who should have been pushed out to sea on a small ice floe a long time ago. But, due to medical technology I have two metal hips, a metal plate in my neck, and medications, as seemingly simple as thyroid medication, that have each either improved or preserved my life. Without each of these things I would have ground to a halt, had my spinal cord severed, or died from lack of thyroid hormone long before.
I am going into surgery. I am going to do the Chemo and Radiation. I am NOT going to require every kind of heroic interception if my brain or heart stop of their own accord. That will be nature, or god, or the universe saying, “Stop.” I want my kids to honor that. I know it will be painful for them. However, I am sure it is what is right.
I am going to fight. As long as it makes sense. I am only at the beginning of this and have no idea how bad or not this may be. I also, am aware that death is a necessary point along the circle we call ‘life’.