It seems silly to consider how true “no” news good news is. It’s only when you have “news” that isn’t good that one truly understands the meaning of what seems such a ridiculous platitude.
Ridiculous it is not. I just wish I were the one who had thought of this. Then, again i am sure I have thought up some perfectly rational, reasonable, and intelligent platitude. Too bad I cannot recall a one of them. DAMN!!!
Now, that a lot of people know that I have a blog I seem to feel pressured. I cannot decide whether I feel like I owe them (you know who you are. And, if you don’t… wait. It might just come to you.) more than myself to write out my thoughts and my experiences. Especially now. Is it my job to keep my family and friends up to date here or am I just writing about my experience because, I feel the need to express myself. I often wonder if people think I am writing this blog because I am seeking attention and want sympathy. Do other people have these crazy thoughts? Am I really the only one who worries about my own motivations and how someone else might think they know more about me than I do? Damn. Insecure much?
I am sure I am doing this for me. I am doing it for you, too. I cannot telephone everyone everyday to tell them what is or is not going on. That’s another thing. Each day people ask me “How are you?” Right now I am fine. At least, I think I am. Though, knowing I have cancer but, not having any active treatment in place it feels somewhat fraudulent to say, “I’m fine.” We all know I am not. The best way I have been able to figure out how to tell how I am doing is to recognize that for today I am not sickly.
Pretty sure when the whole chemo and radiation things begin it will become quickly apparent I am sick. Yet, the sick that chemo and radiation create are different kinds of sick and sickliness than that of cancer.
I will be glad to find out the specifics about this disease called “Cancer”. I don’t just mean understanding that cancer means I have certain cells that are seriously misbehaving. They decided to have a truly bad party all on their own. Like unruly and untrustful children sneaking about behind my back doing things they ought to know are downright wrong. “Too bad,” they have said. “Too bad.” If I could make the sound of a tongue sticking out of my mouth as I blow lungfuls of wind between my lips and the moisture between the two splashing wickedly in every direction right here in writing I would. Because, that is the sound you would hear those nasty children making at me as they wagged their naked butts at me as they stand there in absolute confidence they cannot be hurt. Damn!
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