Saw the surgeon yesterday. He will do the trans-anal ultrasound (TAU) on Friday morning. Early. Damn, I have to do two enema (what is the plural of enima anyway? Is it enimas or enimae or eniminimineemo?) an hour before I leave the house. That means 5 o’clock A.M. Blech on all counts.
I saw the Radiation Oncologist this morning. Another digital exam and another, “I cannot tell where the tumor is, exactly.” That’s exactly what the doctors all tell me. Yesterday at the surgeon and today at the radiation oncologist. Though, they all agree I need the TAU. It will give them the picture of what is really going on. The TAU and new, larger biopsy pathologies should tell them all they need to know.
Recently people are asking me about my sleep. Am I sleeping ok? The only thing I can say is that I am sleeping as well as I ever do. Which has never been well. Though, I am not sleeping as long as I would like. I am taking naps. Often.
I saw the new surgeon and radiation doc yesterday. I have an ultrasound appointment Friday morning. The surgeon wants to take two large biopsies. He is concerned this might actually be an adenocarcinoma. Or in medical speak he wants to “rule out” adenocarcinoma. In my mind what I heard him say was that we need to “rule in squamous cell carcinoma”. Because, he really is worried it is adenocarcinoma.
BTW my ass has had more penetration in the past two weeks than my vagina has seen since 2008!
Even the radiologist wanted to “palpate” the tumor. As I expected he could not tell if it was placed anally or rectally or spanned both. So, the treatment can be as short as a six-week course of chemo and radiation without surgery or it can be six-weeks chemo/radiation and surgery and more chemo/radiation. I just don’t know. The pathology won’t be expected to be back by Tuesday.
Of course, if it is the adenocarcinoma the surgery could leave me without an anus or rectum or both and an ostomy or permanent colostomy.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that I am stress eating. Other than that I am fielding questions, phone calls, and concerns of my family and friends. I will never be able to return all the love, care, and concern I have been shown.
I was talking with a woman I see running in the park during the summer every year. She disappears when the weather turns bad. Anyway, I talked with her the other day about needing the TAU. She recalled having had a Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound YEARS ago. I told her that I had one of those about a year ago. As I was recalling that experience I joked that with the TAU on Friday I might just have to start referring to myself as a Tranny. I am pretty sure Friday’s won’t be my last one.
I keep hearing, “If it is Anal squamous cell carcinoma, it may be curable with a single six-week intensive course of chemo and radiation. With an 80% cure rate. And a 20% recurrence rate. If it is Rectal cancer it will require a six-week intensive course of chemo and radiation and then, surgery, and then another round of chemo and radiation.”
Meaning – v you are fucked.
I am not an optimistic person. My mother was not an optimistic person. I don’t remember my Dad well enough to know with a certainty whether he was an optimist, pessimist, realist, or not-any-of-the-above-ist.
What I do know is that I am a realistic pessimist or is that a pessimistic realist? All I need to know is whether I get to keep my anal sphincter muscle(s?), the entire anus, and/or part of my rectum, or I end up with a bag for a colon. That would be weird. No longer using the toilet in the sitting position to poop. Gives the old plop-plop, fizz-fizz a whole new twist.
My favorite stress food is usually cheeseburgers and fries. The past three days it’s been Jimmy Dean’s Sausage and Biscuits. I add a quarter of a single sheet of American Cheese to each. I will eat any where from two to four in a sitting. Of course, that was before I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia for breakfast Monday. I have gained two pounds in the past two weeks. I am certain I will lose that when chemo/radiation starts. Maybe more.
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