And I am now officially afraid.
Seems silly to me that I would get afraid now that I read the literature about side effects when I already knew about them. I think the difference is that I now have hardware installed just under my skin that I can feel with my fingers. This alone creeped me out for several days.
You would have thought that I didn’t already have any number of joints glued, screw, and renewed with metal. This port made my cells shiver when I could feel it with my fingers. I was afraid of it before that. When it was still in healing mode I was protective of it. Why did my feeling about it change when I could palpate it with my fingers? I think the reality is partly that I can now feel the tubing and I know that tubing is a rattlesnake hiding in the shade under a rock just waiting to strike and spill its venom directly into my heart.
The oncology literature made it even more real that I am going to (highly likely) experience everything from nausea, active vomiting, diahrrea, and tender gums, possibly swelling hands and feet (never had that with either pregnancy. Though, I know many women whose feet especially, swelled greatly.) and more. I am now officially afraid.
After putting down the dozens of pages of information I went upstairs. I got ready for bed. And somewhere between changing out of my day clothes and into my night clothes I fell against the nearest wall and sobbed. I just fucking sobbed.
It was only a minute or so. But, it shook me. I climbed into bed and the tears started up again.
It took me a few more minutes to stop myself from feeling sorry for myself. I do. Don’t get me wrong. Being the skeptic that I am I am absolutely believe I will be in the twenty percent that don’t get cured. However, the positive side of me is trying to fight that skeptic that will undo me. I know there is an eighty percent cure rate of this type of cancer. Dustin, my doctors, the nurses are all very positive that I will be among the eighty percent. But, (other than Dustin) isn’t that what they say to 100% of their patients. The doctors, nurses, and other staff would never single out who will live and who will die and who will writhe in pain and who will swim through the waters of life easily as a shark through rough seas.
Why shouldn’t I be among the eighty percent cured?? There is no reason why I should be on either side of the tally sheet. I just will. I will be on one side or the other. I will not know until the time comes for me to know. Until then I have no choice but, to continue on To work towards recovery as if I already know that I am on the winning side.