I had no idea, prior to this past week, what the term “Profound Exhaustion” might mean. As the new mother of two children 25 months apart I was sure I did know what “profound exhaustion” meant.
NOw, I realize there is another profundity of exhaustion not due to being overwhelmed by the giving of birth of and moments after birth of a new child after thirteen to fifteen hours of hard labor. I really did think I knew what exhaustion was after tending to an ill infant after many months of not sleeping. I was sure I had been so thoroughly exhausted after running a one-hundred-five degree temperature and STILL taking care of my two little ones that I would never feel that kind of bone weary, eyelid drooping, eyeballs rolling into the back of the head exhaustion.
Well, there is a new kind of “profound exhaustion”. Chemo exhaustion. Chemicals for the purpose of ridding one of or shrinking the size of cancerous tumor(s). HOLY SHIT! I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT, EXHAUSTED. Tired simply does not cut it. Asleep. Zonked out all night and most of the days throughout the chemo pumping through my veins. Too tired to keep my head up is simply far too much energy to describe this. I could not hardly be bothered to go to the bathroom in favor of sleep. Though, I certainly did make it, every time to the bathroom. I also, forced myself to take a shower every morning. Whatever time my morning came. Jammies off. Shower on. Towel off. Jammies back on. Back to bed.
It is actually not my official bed. It is my pull-out couch that I have been sleeping on in my lower floor living room. It’s just been too hot to sleep in my own bed upstairs. Stairs. Don’t make those too often on any given day just now.
I have to acknowledge that my treks upstairs are increasing in the past two days. Yay. From one to two. That is a two-fold increase, as it were. I am a Titan!
I still get weirded out (great term, right!?!) weirded out about my port under the skin. It isn’t just the port it is the tubing that snakes into my vein. I can feel it under my skin as well as the port. Creepy. Isn’t it always the horror stories that have things, snake-like things, creeping into mouths or ears or eyes (rarely up the ass, though.) to take over ones mind and being. Mwwwhoooohaha.
I do not know why but, last night I could not sleep a wink. Tossed. Turned. Turned. Tossed. Kicked and twisted. I couldn’t sleep ten consecutive winks. By 4:30 a.m. I said to hell with it and trudged upstairs to my real bed. It had become cool enough. Certainly, by that time it was quite comfortable in my upstairs. I finally fell to sleep. At least, until 7 a.m. Showered. Downstairs. Lay down on my pull-out. Watch TV. Conk. Finally slept. Several hours. No idea what time I conked out and it’s too late now for me to recall when I awoke.
I did eat lunch and dinner. Albeit eight hours apart I think. Separated by more sleep. Anybody surprised by that admission? NO! (say you all in unison).
Just interrupted by my wonderful neighbors. Tomorrow is trash day. She and her 5-year-old, wanted to know if I needed help getting my trash bins down to the corner. I haven’t created enough to bother. But, it was so sweet of them to ask and offer. While I have had some terrible neighbors in the past most of my neighbors now are like this young woman. Lovely. Sweet and thoughtful and concerned about each others welfare.
I should try reading. Great idea. If I could keep my eyes focused. Which would also be why I am not driving.