I was reading an email from my Rabbi regarding this very subject. It hit me hard. It hit because, I have always believed I have bad timing or luck, as it were. Rabbi says even in the timing there is redemption. Do I have to be the same person after a bad event or even a good one (or better) than I was before. Not that I am bad. I just don’t feel good.
That is part of my dilemma. Just before I got hit with Cancer I would have sworn I had finally turned a personal corner toward the good. I was handling my finances well enough to save a little. I used this to go visit my daughter in Vegas. I felt really good about the visit. I felt really good about how I was overcoming my depression.
Medication really does help with depression. But, so does a change of attitudes. This is nearly impossible. I have been trying for three decades to change my attitudes. Its been a slower than snails pace.
Each time I thought I was doing well or at least feeling better. I have felt in the past that I had just turned a corner. Yet, fate, god, chance, whatever stepped in to slap me the fuck down. Whether it was not being able to get pregnant the first time naturally or having a spouse who sabotaged my sanity at every turn, I got smacked down. I’ve been smacked down so much I feel like I ought to have one of those big gold buckled belts they give those fake wrestlers.
This time I really had thought I had turned a corner. I was lulled into thinking that things were going to stay better or continue to get better. I came to believe that so much, I bought myself a new headset for my cell phone. I cannot remember whether I lost the old one or it simply did not work any longer. I treated myself to both the trip and the headset. Just in time to feel really good that I still even had a few hundred dollars left over after all of this.
Then, about a month or less actually, after beginning to feel positive about life I find out from a routine colonoscopy I have cancer. Duh. What else did I think was going to happen.
However, even in the miasma of this diagnosis and the horrific side-effects of the radiation I find that my son is far more steadfast than I could have possibly imagined.
So, is my cancer totally awful, yes. But, it has a couple of upsides to the whole problem. My son is First and Foremost among them. My friends, ok, that I have friends and others who are actually willing to help me however, I need. From vacuuming my living room carpet to cleaning my kitchen right down to making the stove-top shine. Not to mention really bad food my kids would be really upset that I ate. (Kid-sized cheeseburger meal. I could not finish the fries or the shake. Fries hit the trash and shake is, 2-days later still, in my freezer.)
The other upside was that my daughter and son spent an entire day cooking for me Sunday and prodding me to eat and drink. I LOVED watching them play in the kitchen together while I laid on my pull-out-couch watching them through the space between my tiny living room and kitchen bar-counter. They decided I need some medical grade brownie enhancer to trigger my desire to eat. And drink water. I was not doing either. Nearly two-weeks of not eating is unheard of. Hell, even too-many hours of not eating is NOT my norm. Neither is not drinking. I am the one everyone knows has a large bottle of water with me that I am always drinking.
I hated the way the cupcakes (not a pan in the house brownie sized) made me feel. I ate maybe a quarter of a cupcake, if that. The attempt successfully triggered a desire to eat that I had seemingly lost.
Between the radiation burns and the spasming of my intestines and just when they calm down my bladder decided it had to start the dance. In earnest. Not to mention the UTI that has joined with my bladder to make me insane in an entirely new and particularly malicious manner.
Holy pee. I cannot say shit right now because, it is all about peeing. Feeling like I REALLY need to urinate even when I just did that five minutes ago. And five minutes before that. Medicine is helping but, not enough. Saturday and Sunday were horrendous. I swear EVERY TWELVE minutes or less for 10 hours each day. The only thing that reduced the events was oxycodone during the day and oxycontin at night. Except, Walgreen’s ran out of oxycodone last week and I could not get my prescription filled. Twice last week Walgreen’s all over town were OUT! I chose not to have my kids and I chase all over town to try to find it. I just forgot about it. Until, earlier this week my preferred Walgreen’s called to let me know they had filled the prescription.
The pain of radiation burns has abated enough along with my having no choice in the matter but, to do without oxycodone. So, I decided not to accept the prescription and instructed the pharmacist to put the medication back on the shelf for someone else. I sort of regret that now. I could have used it to put me to sleep and not have to pee all the time.
As for turning a corner…Last week my son was rear ended. Not his fault and thank god he is unhurt. Unlike my car. Two days later the turbo injection pump failed. “They” say the pump failure has nothing to do with the accident. I have no choice but, to accept the professionals word no matter how skeptical I may be. Unfortunately, I have to pay for the pump. That is nearly two-thousand dollars more than I have. Which means it’s about two-grand
Remember the few hundred dollars I had put aside? Those got taken up pretty quickly paying the hospital co-pays for the second biopsy surgery and the surgery to implant the Porta-Cath in my chest. Not to mention all the medications, and doctors co-pays. Poof. Gone.
I am going to have to put the car on a credit card and just take my time paying it back. At this point I am wondering, as the Rabbi suggested, where and when my redemption may come and what form it might take.