Well, I had my six-week post treatment check-up. I found out that I have another bladder infection. One more prescription. As my niece said, “You just can’t catch a break down there.” Yup. Remember: 80% CURE rate.
Ok, saw Chemo doc who says my WBC (white blood cell count) has come back into normal. However, my RBC (red blood cell count) while catching up is still too low. Not unexpected at this point.
After this I went downstairs to the Radiation floor. I saw the Physician’s Assistant, P.A. (I could have seen the Dr. in a heartbeat if I had wanted). We talked about everything. I was kind of surprised when she asked me if I got dizzy. On first thought I told her I have been unstable for years and had not noticed being more unstable. Only after talking about my issues for a bit did I recant. I recalled having attended an event two nights before and nearly falling while standing leaning on a table. This forced me to realize I have been more unstable than pre-A/C. Which, made me feel better. Funny how realizing I am less stable than before was somehow good news. It wasn’t the issue it was the answer and reason for the issue that made me feel better. Sadly, that does not make me more stable (physically. Emotionally, well, ya’ know.)
After we talked about the issues I realized it was THAT time. I asked her, very cautiously, (’cause I already knew the answer. But, a person can hope can’t she?) “Do you need to go in?” Somewhat chagrined she said, “Yeah.” That kind of tells it all. Again.
I instantly told her, “You better be prepared to hear me scream!” She agreed to be prepared. I did not actually scream when she went in but, I did pull up my old (nearly 26 year-old) Lamaze breathing practice. Lots of loud “who’s and he’s” and very nearly tears streaming down.
I feel like I have not healed any more over the past two plus weeks. I have been calling it a healing Plateau. She said that I probably am healing. Albeit slowly. Certainly, I am far more healed than her September “viewing”. Yeah, I have healed a lot since then. I just wish it were all done. I am being ridiculous.
I cannot be fully healed yet. The damage done was far too great and extensive to have healed fully by this point. My P.A. said that healing requires protein. Holy SHIT! If ANYBODY can do protein it’s ME. Except, I have been experiencing something strange.
After the appointment I was frustrated and experiencing my completely expected cheeseburger and fries emotions. I took myself to Red Robin. Cheeseburgers and fries is what they do! It is what I wanted. I sat down. I looked at the extensive MEAT menu. Then, I realized I was not as dedicated to a cheeseburger as I had thought. I have been noticing that this is happening more and more often. Me? Moving away from the cheeseburger option? That is too weird. Do not believe that I have not had my stupid cravings for cheeseburgers. I certainly have. But, that day I opted for fried clam strips and fried shrimp. Still protein. Ok, it was fried. But, NOT a cheeseburger. I did have the fries.
Back to the P.A.’s intrusion: In September she felt a lump. But, reasonably, I was still so freshly treated it made sense that the tumor might be excessively swollen. I had spent that entire time trying to fight off convincing myself her feeling a lump meant I was in the 20% bad side of the equation instead of the 80% good side. So, when she went in this time I was praying mightily not to feel anything. I have been praying all along. Once her finger had exited my anus I asked her, “Did you feel anything?” “Yes, but, it was not a lump. It felt more like a flap of skin.” She was very careful not to say it with enthusiasm or to allow that into her voice. I still have to wait for the PT Scan to find out the real result.
In the meantime I realized I have no moisture glands anywhere I was irradiated. I have tried so many moisturizers, and greases. Desitin worked but, stunk to high heaven like the cod liver oil in it. I could not continue to use that when I went out of the house. Next, Bag Balm. It never felt soothing to me. Something in it burned. Obviously, it was not the “petrolatum, lanolin base” that burned. Maybe it was the 8-Hydroxy Quinoline Sulfate 0.3%. I have no idea why it burned. But, it does. Then, there is another udder moisturizer by durvet DuraCream. It is a good hand and body lotion. It is not thick enough to stay in place. Nor is it substantial enough to stay in place when walking or sitting. It wipes off too easily.
Recently, I was looking at the diaper rash shelves in the baby aisle at Walgreens. I looked at all ingredient panels. Lots of Zinc Oxides and Cod Liver Oil products. I was frustrated but, pushed on. I picked up one more product. I read the ingredients: Nearly all SEED oils. No petroleum products. Hmmm. Scent free. Hmmm. Ok. I bought it. That night I applied it to the “affected” area. It felt very comfortable. I used it over the next few days and I like it. I do not know if it will help with healing. I do know it is proving effective as a moisture replacement. I do have to use a feminine pad in my underwear during the day (I need to anyway). But, at night no pad with this product.
WHAT IS THE PRODUCT ALREADY????? Oh, yeah. Right. It is called, and I am not kidding, “Healin’ Groovy” by (again, not kidding) BabyGanics. I am very happy with it. No scent, no burn, less difficult to get out of clothing, and it is working. All natural. Created by two DADS!!! That surprises me. I just naturally imagined this would have been a product (and company) created by Moms. Is that me being “Mom-ist”?
Ah, yes. Back to the beginning. The Chemo doctor’s office will call me with the date for the scan. It should be within the next week or two. Therefore, limbo continues. Sigh.
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