It’s been a weird week. Not that I have many unweird weeks. The reality is I honestly have little experience with feeling happy. Even though I get tremendously GREAT news I do not feel different than before. I have felt so crappy for so long its so unusual to have good even great news. It leaves me confused.
I have been in therapy for years. Different therapists with different methods of treatment. One of the most helpful is my most recent. We have worked, long before the cancer diagnosis, on being happy. “Being” happy. I just do not understand what that means. She has pointed out to me, on multiple occasions, that happiness is not a consistency. She wants me to recognize that happiness is only moments in life. Moments in time.
Moments? Shit, what does that mean? The rest of the time is what? Unhappy? Or just un? Un what though. Unusual, unweird, unsad, unbland. Un what? So, when “happy” does come around and it is so fleeting or momentary that I have not had enough samples of that elusive “happy” that not only do I not know how to feel it I do not believe I can usually determine whether a “happy” has even happened.
In this most recent case I do know that I am “happy”. Ecstatic, not yet. Maybe it will sink in. Soon, I hope. I kind of want to dance uninhibited in the streets. Not naked by any means. But, not caring what anyone else sees me doing or thinks about it.
The Great News is that I am Cancer FREE.
I am stunned. I have spent the past five months sure that it was the bad cancer (Rectal). I found out happily(?) that it was Anal Cancer and not the much worse Rectal. How do you behave relieved and “happy” when the news is still really bad. So, it appears that “happy”, not only fleeting, it is a matter of gradation. ARRRGGGHHH!
My head hurts. My bottom still hurts, too. Not nearly as badly as it did at the worst. This weekend I went to Vancouver with friends. It was a CELEBRATION! It was fun! There were a few humps. Some of my own making. (Damn, I can be an ass at times.) Mostly, good company, good food, good experiences, and the Vancouver Aquarium. I love aquaria.
Clearly, that is where my son gets it. His Dad was very uncomfortable in water. Especially, in any kind of non-swimming pool kind of water. Me? I LOVE swimming and floating in water. I love all marine creatures weird and wonderful. I took a lot of photos at the Vancouver Aquarium. Only later I realized I did not take any photos of my friends. Drat! I did take photos for them on their phones. Just not on mine.