Book Titles In My Head & Invention/Innovation
It was a busy day
Book Titles in My Head
Lots of them. All the time. I swear if I could only write out the letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, and chapters as quickly as I think them I would have 1,008 books written by now.
At first I decided the titles I came up with were just Chapter Titles. Later I decided they could actually be entire Book Titles. Just a few little thoughts that pop-up in my head as I was walking the dog this morning. Before I went to my local truly tiny farmer’s market.
Just a few of these titles. I actually sat down a couple of times along our walk to type these thoughts into my phone before I lost them completely. I know me and I would have lost these titles and thoughts before I had taken 3 more steps.
All Titles, Thoughts, Ideas, innovations, Inventions, and what nots are hereby now and forever my sole copyrights and patents (pending as need be).
Premise: When you remarked in total wonder how it was that I never ended up in a psychiatric hospital, was it because I was able to withstand your active and repeated attempts to drive me mad?
Was your wonder actually a kind of awe that I truly had the stronger emotional constitution than you? Because, you did spend time in a psychiatric hospital.
How long ago had you actually realized you were going to try to make me crazy? Was it in the South? Was it before that, when we lived near our homes of birth? Or was it in the painful dark, cold north?
I know it was only exposed to me when Jana identified it as “crazy making”. That is what is had been all along. Making me crazy. I knew what I knew. I did not have the solid, incontrovertible truth. But I knew. You always denied it. You made my bringing these issues up into huge angry arguments where you would give me the cold shoulder. At our earliest you could keep it up for weeks at a time. In our later years it was down to days. But, it was the coldest shoulder I would ever love.
I did. But, you knew that all along. You knew how deeply I believed in you and supported you and even understood some of your personal, and historic baggage. You never, not one single time ever had to wonder whether I loved you. The opposite was never true. That is my responsibility. I, like so many women before and after me, believed that I could not necessarily ‘change’ you. But, that I could help you become healthy. That with my determination, and god knows I have lots of that, you would learn that I was not the one who had hurt you. I was not the one who abused you. I was not the one who neglected you. And I was not the one who did all those other abusive things to and with you.
That was not me. Though, I paid dearly for all of their acts upon you. It was crazy making. I think it may have made you crazy. It is the only thing I can grab hold of at times like these. You were made crazy and so you had to carry on that family tradition.
You were astounded that I would not tow the family line. You were, it appeared to me, simultaneously angry with me for not keeping quiet, for not keeping the secrets, for not trying to not try to find out what the secret was, and then, angry with me at the same time because I did not keep quiet. I would not keep all of your family secrets. I did everything I could to find out what evil, festering, pustules of ills lie around your home and heart. I did not tow the family line. I was not the obedient wife your brother wanted me to be.
I knew and still believe if you would face those facts you would not be so depressed and distant from your children now.
I realized yesterday, the Saturday of Shabbat, that I did need to wish peace for you. That it was for me that I needed to wish you well. It is for me to that I have to let you go your own way to help our kids heal. I wish that it were along the path you promised your son. The promise you made in 2006 sitting on that bench in Tel Aviv on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea when you told him when you got home you were going to begin the active study to convert.
I should have known then, you would not keep your promise. I should have stopped you from speaking that to our son. I wish I was forward thinking and clear-headed enough to recognize what you were going to do in order to stop you. To stop you from hurting your youngest child. From disappointing this one, more, time.
But, you did it. You made another promise to someone who loved you entirely that you would not keep. Maybe somewhere in your mind you actually convinced yourself that this would be the promise you would keep. That this would be the turning point in your life. Maybe it was at that moment and only for this moment that you actually meant to keep this promise, knowing it would lead you out of your particular personal punishing pathway.
Maybe. Maybe this one ought to be titled MAYBE.
DEATH OF CHANGE
Fear of the changes that may or not occur is fear of change. Death is the biggest change of all. It may also be the one universally most frightening change that any of us will undergo. It will be, rest assured, the one thing none of us can stop.
I wonder if it is this fear of change that attracts the religious extremists to either so fear the death or to welcome it (Palestinian Homicidal Bombers).
IF I COULD THINK MYSELF THIN
If I could think myself thin then, I would be Goldie Hawn. If I really could think myself thin then in my 20’s I would have been Cher.
If I could think myself thin then, I could think the pins out of my hips. If I could think myself thin I could unthink all the pain I have thought. If I could think myself into the perfect life then, why am I not now living that life?
RadioLab with Robert Krulwich and Jad Aboumrod episode beginning with “Would you kill your baby?” I don’t even want to answer.
Today that is not my musing. Today RadioLab helped me better understand why I am fat. It really is as simple as the difference between have a 2-digit number in my memory vs. a 7-digit number.
They interviewed a scientist who did a study giving individuals 2-digit numbers to remember. He then, sent them down a hall. While on their way to the next room a woman stops and offers them a fruit bowl or a slice of chocolate cake. This was repeated with people who were given a 7-digit number to remember.
The result was that those who had only a 2-digit number to remember made the ‘healthier’ choice than those who had to remember the 7-digit number. It shows that our brains when overloaded can not make good food choices. No wait. When our brains have too much to keep track of, too many events for the day, our ability to make better choices for ourselves markedly reduces.
That is why I am fat. I have been walking around my whole life trying to remember that 7-digit number.
This actually coincides with the NOVA program “Killer Stress”. The more stressed one is the more omentum fat is stored. It is a natural stress reaction for baboons and it is a natural stress reaction for humans.
This program also profiled scientific studies that conclude stressed people are less happier. I think it was said that the stressed person actually sees the blue of the sky as less blue than the happier/low stress individual and the green of the trees less green. Again, there is a weight correlation.
It makes sense to me that this is yet one more reason I am fat. With all the stress David actively added to my life I would make food choices that were not healthier. Comfort food strikes again.
I AM THE NOTES IN THE MARGINS
I often see people writing notes to themselves in their Tanakhs. One woman dates them. I cannot figure out how their book still has lots of undisturbed text.
I choose not to take notes. Whether in spite of or despite myself. I am certain if I get started that my notes in the margin will overtake the text. I often feel that my life is someone else’s book and I am really just writing in the margins.
SELF BALANCING WINDOW A/C UNIT STABALIZER
My idea is to create a flat surface that the window a/c unit can attach too that sits over a multitude of various sized window sills.
In my head it looks a lot like a slide and locking window box. But, with that flat top. It should be able to be locked at the various standard window widths, with a few non standard options. Possibly shims may be needed. It would be no wider and likely less wide than the a/c unit itself.