Grey and foggy outside. Inside weather is not so different. I am sitting in front of my BFF (TV) watching one of my current favorite shows reruns. In the midst of all the sadness and gore they retain their humor. (If you are unfamiliar this a whodunit cop show). Of course, the gore and madness remains for the survivors of their murder victims to ultimately contend with. Well, of course it does.
I love Nathan Fillion. I was watching his show Castle. Beware, Firefly and Serenity references and character cross-overs. If you are a fan of Castle and not the othesr you are missing a lot of fun. Wishing I was watching with a friend so, we could laugh at little things in the show.
Watching his interactions with his on-screen co-workers and daughter I found myself in the middle of a thought. In that moment I realized it was Castle’s interaction with his daughter, Alexis, I was amazed with. Admittedly, jealous, too. Suddenly, the concept that their humor resulted from mutual trust. Not something I am familiar with either getting or taught nor modeled. It is the writing (and Thank You writeRs) of these shows depicting trust among the cops and family. Well, mostly. It is about trust. Trust!
Imagine. Trust. Trust has often been an unfamiliar acquaintance of mine. I felt sad that I handed off, expressed, and taught that mistrust to my kids.Sorry guys. Please do not wait as long as me to learn to trust yourselves. Though, I think they are far smarter than I and already got it.
I am often upset for putting that crap into their lives. I frequently imagine how deeply and negatively it affects each of them. It should not have been their legacy. Rats. And 😥 (>_<) Rrrrrggghhh!
Neither my Mom nor my husband of 30 years ( yeah, I am including our 'living together' years in this number.) trusted me. Worse, they proved themselves untrustworthy. Each of them in different ways. I loved each of them. Deeply. I also, learned from them not to trust myself.
I do wish I had been mature enough before Mom died. Now, I want to tell her how many good things she actually did for us. Sigh.
As for my Ex he was not raised in trust either. He was raised in an environment of neglect. By the time he was around five years old he had broken his upper jaw. He is pretty sure he probably broke it jumping off a high concrete culvert near his home. This shifted his teeth leaving him with a single front tooth while the other front tooth became his lateral incisor. Yet, he does not recall ever going to a doctor. I often wonder if this is why he likes stews and soups. His Mom often made these for him and later me. It was likely the only foods he could eat for a long time.
Before, you remind me that he was only five years old you need to know his memory is remarkable. I say this being the daughter, sister, and Mother of people with true eidetic memories. For all I know my Ex does have a perfect memory. He remembers the names of his Kindergarten teacher, every driver license number he ever had… Yet, (I firmly believe) he chose not to remember my Birthdays. Not to mention all the lies he told throughout his serial cheating career. Aaaaand there you have small insight as to why I do not know how trust. Not even myself.
Are you crazy, yet? That is how I lived my life up to nearly five-years ago when I divorced him. In fact, our last marriage counselor told him his actions were ” crazy making”.
My lack of trust causes me not to trust others. This manifests in my arguing to be right. It feels like I have to defend my argument as if Iam defending my life. I need to work on accepting that I can be wrong or need not be right. I will continue to work on trusting that my life nor my esteem in others eyes are at ultimate risk even should we agree to disagree. I can do better at allowing people the flexibility to earn my trust.