My daughter turned 28 today. She is now the same age I was when I had her. I feel sad. I feel alone. She lives in another state than I do. I haven’t slept in three days. Not really slept anything longer than about 20 minutes at a stretch.
I miss my babies. I LOVED nursing, and playing with my babies. Once I had my daughter, who sat up at two weeks, with very little support. I am NOT lying. When my husbands office party she was two weeks old. She was sitting on my lap with my right hand against her lower back and my left lightly on her thighs one of the other women asked, “How old is she?” I replied, “Two weeks.” She, completely disbelieving said, “That is not possible. Two week old babies do NOT SIT up!” This one did. She had near total control of her head from the beginning. No hair. But, a very strong baby. She always wanted to stand up. She did not like to sit down. This is when I had my realization, “All Moms are the best jungle gyms.”
My upper body strength was pretty tremendous. I was either nursing her or holding her steady while she walked up my body, little tiny feetsies in my mouth and eyes as she walked up and down. I was always very verbal with my kids. Each time she sat up or walked up my body I would say, “Up.” And as she walked down or sat down or lay down I would say, “Down.” I used this high-pitched hard “P” sound and made the “Up” and “Down” game fun for both of us.
My heart was filled with such love and wonder when I would look at her face while she nursed from my breasts. I had to turn off the lamp next to the couch where I was most comfortable nursing her because, I was afraid she would hurt her eyes. If there was a light on nearby she would stare at it. To this day I do not understand what it was about brightly lit light bulbs that she found so compulsively attractive. The funny thing is that every time she looks at the sun she sneezes. EVERY TIME. TO THIS DAY!
When she was about 15 months old she walked out of the house one sunny morning. We were going somewhere (where I could not tell you) but, she saw the sun and like a startled realization she spat out, “SUN!” No commentary, no explanations. Just “SUN!”
It became a family joke. Her Dad and I found it endearing and would tease her about it. Unfortunately, she never liked jokes or teasing about her. That, however, did not stop us. This is another one of those things when she goes outside on a sunny day and sees the sun she sneezes either myself or her father will exclaim, “SUN!” As she has grown older she has grown to expect this and to, in some ways, appreciate this as a family characteristic of fun not demeaning.
I miss my babies.
My other baby, my son, is talking about leaving the country in late December (two weeks!?!!???) or early January. Maybe Thailand. Maybe Fiji. Who knows. It will depend on whether he gets a job or the job he wants.
So, I am already missing him coming over to do laundry or go shopping or out to eat. Just hanging out. Sometimes playing on the Wii he gave me last year for Chanukah. Wow, I don’t think he wanted to be in the States this long. But, my cancer diagnosis pretty much extended his stay until, my clean scan in September. It was as if we could both exhale again. He was holding his breath as much as I felt I was. He was amazing. I will never be able to say enough about how important his being here for me, taking me to appointments, chemo, radiation, holding me when I cried and was terrified. He was as afraid as I was. He did not show his fear. He wanted to make sure I saw only hope and positivity. Even when he did not feel it he projected it.
I am feeling alone. I think part of it is, I have not slept. Partly because, I just cannot sleep. My left hip is hurting. I have been putting off making an appointment with a orthopedist. I feel stupid saying my left hip hurts. My hip is all metal. How the hell can my hip hurt? Dunno but, it does.
The reality is that everything above and below and around the metal is still all arthritic me. So, I do not know what it is that is hurting. I have realized that since the weather got colder all of my bones and joints are painful. My back, sciatica, neck and shoulders. Crap. It is just the reality.
My dog was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks ago. This made me afraid and sad. I have had her for six or seven years. My husband (now, Ex) adopted her from a pet rescue organization. Anyway, she had a regular check up (Damn these regular/routine checkups) and the vet asked if the mass on her stomach seemed to have changed. I had not realized it. It always kind of freaked me out so, I did not rub her tummy there. I pooh-poohed the vet. Until, later. When I took her home I felt the mass and really paid attention to the size and shape. I realized the vet was right. I called back, made a new appointment.
At the next appointment the Dr. took a fine needle aspiration. She had taken my dog out of the exam room into the back of the office. When she brought her back to me she warned me there would be bruising. I asked her if that meant there was an active supply of vessels feeding the mass. “Yes”. I also, asked her if that meant it was cancer. “Yes, more than likely. But, lets wait to get the pathology.” Right. We already knew the answer. The pathology simply confirmed our stronger than suspicion.
The mass was removed this past Sunday. She has been wheezing with a high pitch cough and it is fairly frequent. She has not wheezed this hard or this often EVER. She is on mega antibiotics and pain killers. The combination is playing havoc on her gut. She is having loose and frequent poops. I can hear her farts like never before. They are nearly musical.
Unfortunately, around 4:15 a.m. night before last and last night she woke up and started pacing around my bedroom. I know this behavior. I knew that she had to poop. I had taken my Ambien and was groggy. The temperature outside was around 23 degrees. I just wanted to put her out on my small bedroom balcony. She unfortunately, was having none of this. It is freezing in my room and I am wearing a light-weight short nightgown. I am wobbly and grabbing around in my closet for my big, thick, teddy bear, and red hearts fleece robe. I open the sliding glass door to the little deck and go after my dog. My intention was for her to poop out on the deck. She had completely opposite intentions. She ran away out my bedroom door, down the hall, and stops at the top of the stairs. She looks back at me as I am stumbling toward her hoping to redirect her to the deck. Otherwise, I knew she would either insist on going outside (like out the front door at 4 fucking 30 a.m.) She had this mischievous look on her face as she turned to waddle down the stairs and ran to the front door. She waited there for me with her nose flat up against the crack between the door and the jam. I was still trying to tie my robe closed. Do I take off my Birkenstocks and put on my rain-boots or, oh hell, leave the Birks on and get my coat down. Work to shove my big fleecy sleeves down into my winter coat sleeves. I open the door and she ZOOMS out and across the driveway to an area that has bark all over it and just starts to shit. I am still trying to snap my coat closed, pull my flashlight out of my pocket and turn it on, pull a poop pick-up bag out of my coat pocket, and try to find the poop to pick it up. She moves to another spot and I am freezing and stumbling around talking to her, worrying about her, trying to catch up to her next pooping spot to make sure I pick that up, too.
After that we came back in and she expected food. FOOD??!?!?!? It’s 4 fucking 37 a.m. and she thinks I am feeding her now!? No way. I pull off my coat and hang it back up, stumble up the stairs, to my bedroom, hang my robe back up and lay back down in my cold as ice bed. She follows me upstairs and pouting a little goes back to her bed. I finally got to sleep. Just in time for me to have to get up and pee. DAMN!
I finally got to sleep around 5:30 a.m.ish. Of course, I had to get up again at 6:30 a.m.ish to pee AGAIN! I try to sleep a little more and then at 9 say to hell with it. I am just not going to sleep. Get up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go downstairs, take my medicine and give her all of her medicines, and take her out for her morning walk.
Then, the same thing happened the next night. Now, tonight, night three she doesn’t have to poop but, even with oxycodone I am unable to go to sleep. So, I got up and watched “Sarah’s Key”. Cried. Sniffled. Sobbed. Lonely. Missing my kids, feeling exhausted and still unable to sleep. It is 4 fucking 30 a.m. right now! Fuck. I am tired. I am going to sign off and try to sleep. Oh, and I have NOT taken any naps. What the FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
Sleep where did you go? COME BACK SLEEP. Please, I need you desperately.
Pray for me. I have to sleep. After I pee.